When its my time

I have sat at a few funerals and the last one I went to told me what I don't want. I want the person who is doing all the talking to know me. Or at least my family. I don't need a preacher.   Lord knows I don’t believe in god. 

I also want them to know my vital statistics. Know when I was born. I was born on a Monday bright and early at 227am during the winter storm of 78. So bad my gramper called by mom everyday asking how she was going to have me and her only reply was I guess I will meet ambulance at end of road. 

The last  funeral was off by a month on birthday and he was reading from her info. Also don't read from a card. Everyone there has all ready seen that info. Tell them things about me. Tell them I won most likely to succeed in 8th grade. Tell them I was most outstanding graduate at bctc. Tell them I won student of the month 5 times at Arlington. Tell them I was ranked 36 out of 276 when I graduated high school.   Tell them I did all of this with anxiety and thinking I had no friends or people who understood me. Tell people I found the courage to leave a man who eventually obliterated everyone dear to me. But I did it. Tell them I hope he went before me so I got the last laugh. 

Tell them Psalms 23. It's the only bible verse I want. I don't really believe in god but I love this one verse

 Have someone tell how I was a good person. I may not ever believe it but I would like to think I am. 

Most of all, from the time I was little I wanted to be a mom. So I hope one or all of my kids will tell them I did good and while I know this day is hard I want if I can hear to know they loved me bc I love them all.  Tell them how bad I wanted Aaron.  How it was so hot that summer I was pregnant and I had preeclampsia and had to be induced. How he was my whole world and I had no idea what I was doing especially as he cried with colic 6 hours a night for 4 months straight but the neighbor could rock him and he was out. Tell them how I had 2 scares and then false labor 5 times with Lacey.  But I knew when she was born that she was my savior.  How for the first month she slept on my chest only at night.  How she was my chunky monkey.  How I knew from day one she was meant for greatness. She is the reason I left their dad.  Unfortunately I couldn’t save them too.  Tell them how hard it was for Aaron to go to live with Joe.  How I cried so much for missing him and how I did him wrong so I put all my energy into Lacey.  Tell them how I loved Todd and Erin.  They completed my family.  I always wanted 4 kids and now I had it.  I loved having them over.   I may have been a horrible parent sometimes but I did try.  Tell them that when Aaron joined the military it felt like I was losing him again.  How I cried every-time  I thought of him.  How when he went to Japan my heart went with him.  Tell them while Lacey was my favorite but I loved them all.  I needed Lacey as much as she needed me. Roy was my soulmate but she was “my person” Life wasn’t easy.

Most of all tell them my story. Story how I met Roy and all that goes with it. How I hated him so much before our senior year. Then one class that the counselor convinced me to take changed everything. For a short amount of time he made me feel important.  I didn’t care he had a girlfriend.  He was like a drug and I couldn’t imagine myself with out him.  I knew from then I was going to marry him.  Tell them how I waited 6 months for him to make up his mind and when he did it  those next months were happiest 6 months of my life.  Tell them how I cried when I found about his ex wife being pregnant.  How I thought I was going to die.  Tell them how 7 years later I found him on a high school reunion website.  We talked all night and it felt like old times.  Tell them how he asked if I was fat lol.  Tell them how I stood on the play equipment at the Scott County Park with Lacey and saw him walk up for the first time in 7 years.  Tell them how I couldn’t believe this was real.  Tell about how he “rescued me”.  How I “forced” him to marry me.  Tell them how pretty I was in my wedding gown.  Then tell them life wasn’t easy for us.  We had little money for a long time and I was a spoiled brat.  Tell them how I wanted another kid and he didn’t.  How he found someone else and left me.  How I cried and lost 40 pounds in 2 weeks.  How I couldn’t imagine why this was happening.  Then how he came back and then I ruined it again.  Then we decided this was what we wanted.  How I never wanted another.  How even on the worst days I didn’t leave.  This was the man I was going to grow old with. How I hoped he died before me because I didn’t want to spend a day on this earth without him.  Tell them he was my soulmate.

I define myself by him and the kids.  So that's what I want my funeral about. I want everyone to know that I was somebody who will be missed because there are days I wonder if I ever will be. 

Tell them how I had migraines and I still tried to be someone who enjoyed life but there were days I just wanted it to all end.  Tell them how I scared I would get in social settings and if Roy left me to do something else I would freak out.  Tell them I was a Medical Assistant and I loved it.  I loved pediatrics and loved helping people. Even if my biggest pet peeve was stupid people.  It was an oxymoron of sorts 

Also pick some upbeat music and no go rest high on that mountain or any other sad country music. Play It's your Love and something I love.Also play 100 years 5 for fighting.  But don't make the people cry over music. Mainly I just want a bunch of people to hear about me. Me who has just wanted to be important all her life and be loved.  That is all I ever wanted.  To be someone’s first choice. 

So when it comes time for mine everyone says will wish they had knew me as well as everyone talking. I know I have flaws and I don't care if they are mentioned bc we all have them. I just want to be remembered.

Merry Christmas

It’s been so long since I wrote anything.  I honestly forgot I had this blog.  Things change on the daily.  It’s almost 2018.  Todd has been around for almost 2 years. He just decided to come back one day.  Now Erin has decided that we are evil incarnate. We were so horrible to her growing up and caused all her anxiety and issues.  Complete bullshit but whatever. So we haven’t seen her since March.  Aaron and Erin graduated as Juniors.  Erin just couldn’t take the stress of school anymore.  So she is working at Kroger’s/Steak n Shake depending on who you ask.  Aaron just wanted to be done with school.  He joined the Air Force June 27. We saw him graduate basic 21 years after Roy graduated.  He ended up at Sheppard Air Force Bass like Roy did.  Aaron is home now but will be going to Misawa Air Force Base in 🇯🇵 Japan after tech school. He will be there for at least 2-3 years. It’s sad for me because I just got him back.  I lost 13 years and now he is going to be so far from me.  It makes me very sad. Lacey is now 16 and learning to drive. She is field Commander for the band and they won state for 2nd year in a row.  She is still doing softball and wants to be an engineer or child therapist. All of my kids have grown up and soon will be gone.  I dread that day.  I have based my life on them.  Everything I do is for them and about them.  We tried to do foster parenting and were denied twice. First time because of the history of Roy and Jamie and Roy’s dad. They said that the decision Roy made to put his children in the presence of a known pedophile was not something they could allow. Let’s not forget that decision was made by Jamie who was sleeping with Roy’s father.  Yes eww.  Also this was over 15 years ago and I have to pay for those sins.  Then second time the reason was they could not reach Erin and according to state rules they have to talk to the adult children.  Of course they never talked to Aaron and when I called the worker on it she got more defensive.  I just gave up.  Obviously it is not meant to be.  But I’m going to be honest I’m so tired of the repercussions of Jamie still effecting my life.  I try to be a good person and not cause trouble. But what did I get from it?  Nothing but trouble and heartache.  Roy and I will be together 15 years next year and sometimes it is a hard struggle.  But what married life isn’t ?  I have loved him for so long and I know he loves me. This is how life was meant to be.  

Life as I know it..

This past year has been one of happiness and times of not so much.  Roy finally made full-time with Toyota after being employed by Kelly Services for not quite 2 years.  Which allowed me to leave UK and take some much needed time off.  Sometimes you need to breathe and appreciate all that has been given to you. Plus I had enough in retirement to pay off the pacifica and pay rent up until July 2014.  Lacey had made her school dance team, she was doing percussion for her school band and still doing softball.  My days stayed busy even though I was off.  We still don't see Todd.  Erin we see every other weekend.  Erin turned 14 in October and Lacey turned 12 in November. Christmas came and because of retirement money they had a great Christmas which was nice because the last few we haven't been able to do that for them.  The new year dawned and Roy and I celebrated 10 years. I got my new ring.  Which was nice.  When we got married we used my residual checks from school to buy my engagement ring and I got a 1/5 carat which was nice but I wanted a bigger one so now I have a 1/3 of a carat.  We basically kept the same ring and switched out the stones.  I am sentimental about the ring.  After that came the unhappiness.  We had a horrible winter for snow and the kids missed a lot of school.  Aaron was due to come up during President's day.  We hadn't seen him since June 2011. Well Bourbon County schools decided to shorten their break from 4 days to 2 to alleviate some of the snow days.  I told Joe about it and he decided to have Aaron come home sooner. It made sense to me.  But to Lacey she had a meltdown. Why can't Aaron come over more, Why does Joe always do this, This is ridiculous, He is off school so why can't he stay? Just screaming and losing her mind.  Lacey never has tantrums. Well not since she was real little.  Then after I get her calmed down she looks me plainly in the face and says when I was six and the last summer I spent with Joe he made me touch him and do things with him.  I was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say.  I had always asked her when she came home, "Did anything happen while you were there?  Did dad do anything to you? Did he make you touch him?"  This is the man that abused me and cheated on me.  I had always hoped he would never touch my daughter but I didn't trust him.  My next question is why she waited and of course she told me she was scared of him and that she would never see her brother again.  I explained that I would have to tell social services and that she would have to tell them what happened.  She hasn't seen Joe since she was 9.  That was when she cried the whole time she was there and in retrospect now I know why.  When I told Roy he was about as upset and not surprised either.  We decided to wait until after Aaron left to report because we were afraid that if social services showed while Aaron was there he would tell his dad.  So Monday came and we called them and they visited Lacey at school. I was instructed to call Tennessee social services and then we had to go to TN and do a forensic interview which is basically where they interviewed her.  The snag we hit is where it happened.  This is the one summer he was not with his current girlfriend. Lacey being six didn't know the address and apparently Joe didn't list it anywhere.  All Lacey could remember was a barn, a bridge, a white house, and that the girl lived on the property with her parents.  She knew the girls name also.  So the detective drove us around addresses of Joe's but that didn't help because those were addresses that did not include this girlfriend.  So after 3 hours the detective gave up and we went home.  That night sitting at softball practice I randomly started typing last names into whitepages.com and found an address for a possible match, pulled it up on Google earth and Lacey said it was the right one.  The other snag was the county we did the forensic interview was in was Cheatham County. The incident happened in Davidson. It took almost 1 1/2 months to get the case transferred.  Apparently in TN, then all they can do if you don't have a warrant is request you to come in and talk.  They can knock on your door, you can turn off all your lights but you don't have to answer your door.  Well in May after Aaron graduated 8th grade we got to visit with him again, on the way to our house he started telling me about how he didn't believe all the stories Joe had been telling him about how awful I was and that Joe treats Tisha(his current girlfriend) so badly.  The day Lacey finished school which was June 5, Aaron and I come back to the house and (he is due to return to Joe on the 9th) he tells me he and Joe got into a fight and Joe pushed up to a wall and made his elbow bleed and another time he was trying to stop a fight between Joe and Tisha and he pushed him up against the wall and tore his shirt.  He tells me he is scared to go home. SO again I called social services and they advise me to go to county attorney and file for an emergency protective order.  I do that and they set a court date.  Joe brings an attorney who rips me up one side to the other.  Attorney says if you were so worried about your child, why didn't you try for custody when you had a domestic violence order in 2003? Weren't you worried about his safety then?  I stood there silently because I knew the attorneys job was to make me look unfit but I really wanted to tell him because I knew if I did, he would hunt me down and kill me and then he would be molesting both my children because we all know the dvo is a piece of paper.  Then the atty brings in Tisha and asks her if she knows anything about the allegations which she denies.  I know at this point I am screwed.  The judge asks if we mind if she talks to Aaron.  Aaron tells the judge everything. He tells her he is afraid of his life when it comes to Joe, he loves Tisha and that he is afraid for Tisha's life.  Judge asks Tisha if she would like to change her testimony because perjury gets 1-5 years in jail. She says "No Ma'am"  Then Judge gives me permanent custody for 3 years and tells Joe to stay 500 feet from Aaron at all times. Aaron went this past Wednesday to do his forensic interview on Lacey's case and they said they will push it to the District Atty.  So it should go on the docket for October. Assuming they can find him, now he hauls those camper trailers.  But at least now the case is moving.  I also am trying to get child support.  Whether I see it or not is a different story.  I also went back to work in August at UK through their temporary service.  I am at pre-op doing EKG while a girl is out with surgery. So that is all of my drama.  Maybe on of these days it will be drama free.  

Merry Christmas

Driving home from Florida and it is cold. This is the first trip we have taken as a family trip ever and I feel that as a whole it wasn't too bad. Lacey saw the ocean and the Gulf of Mexico. Plus saw Atlanta which amazed her. We spent Xmas with my dad and Paula and that was interesting. A man who had so many rules growing up now could give a care less and it just leaves me speechless on many counts. I don't know what to think when he says drive thru the yard because he took so much pride in it growing up or we don't have to watch westerns. Do you know how many westerns I watched growing up? Really? I watched more John Wayne and Clint Eastwood than any child should have to. So Paula is good for him on many accounts. She is 14 years younger than him which makes her 14 years older than me. Kind of crazy. She is great with Lacey and nice to me so I have no issues with her. Did she steal my dad from my mom? Who knows? Do I really even care anymore? I'm sure mom cares because I'm sure if I was her I would and I know I would. Hell I still hate Jamie. But I don't have a dog in that fight. I wasn't there in that relationship and to be honest from what I could see their relationship sucked. Anyways, Christmas is over. We are driving back and well Roy is for now lol and I have to work tomorrow :( so that is all I know.....

OMG

Well I just turned 34 and that was a sobering moment.  My daughter will be 11 and Aaron will be 13 this year. What I want to know is when I got to be this old.  I mean 34 is old.  I have kids coming into the clinic that are 16-18 and could be my kids...  That is a sad day.  I am moving out the cool "hot" mom and into "Hey you are Lacey's mom"  phase.  I love being her mom but that is how I am defined now.  I wanted more kids too but unfortunately a tubal done as a last resort to keep from having more spawns with Satan that is looking less likely as a feasible option.  That is the saddest part.  I know the older I get the less chance I have of having a perfectly normal baby (even tho truth be told neither of mine are normal lol )  But my point is the older I am the more chance of birth defects there is to be had.   But that is a battle that can't be fought or won over night. 


My dad has been trying to reach out to me since his divorce from mom.  He has called and came over to see Aaron when he was here last weekend.  Yet, I cant tell my mother that or anything else because I will get the third degree.  So that sucks but I am sure this too will pass.  

This year

This year has been a weird one.  In January my father left our family after being married to my mother for 35 years. There had been some issues in my parents marriage, some infidelity, and some trust issues.  Something most marriages can overcome.  My father had left the marriage long before there was any of us finding out the truth.  I know this now but it doesn't hurt the pain. My mother was devastated.  I have not heard from my father because I helped my mother uncover the truth about the girl friend. I guess there was some blaming me for her finding out. My brother lives with my mother and I am sure he has his cross to bear but I am tired.  I am tired of it all.  I think it is ridiculous I am being treated like this by my father.  I am tired of being ignored and I am upset he mailed my daughter a birthday card and I don't get any recognition.  I am also tired of being a support system for my mother.  I know that sounds bad but it is true.  I am not a touchy feely person and I don't have alot of compassion and that is my personality flaw.  I know that.  May be why I don't have a lot of close friends.  But, I don't know what else to say. I am not an IT person and don't know why her computer doesn't work or why something else is not working.  I also am tired of reassuring my mother that my father is an ass.  It is not her fault and she should not feel guilty. But I am not her therapist. Ironically she quit going to her therapist because she said she had me for a support system.  So, what now?  I definitely don't win daughter of the year. I am hurt too though.  I didn't always get along with my father and he is an ass. But, at the end of the day, I no longer have a father and now at the age of 33 am a kid of divorce.  My family is a statistic. I always thought my family was nuclear to say the least.  Personally, I have a blended family ~ you know we got steps all over the place....stepsisters, stepbrothers, stepmoms and stepdads. But we all want to say not in my family. Maybe it is just me though.  So, here it is close to Thanksgiving and most of all I am thankful for my family and everyone in it but I guess even in thankfulness I can still be hurt but I just want to know who my support system/therapist is.......

Lacey and santa

Being the mom I am I am trying to feel out if my child still believes in Santa because while I dont want to take away her youth I do believe she is the lone believer in it all and it is hard to explain why now she is the only one getting presents.  So I asked if she did and she said "of course mom".  I asked her how she knew and she told me "well Erin saw her one year and that was the year they got scooters"(2006).   Then she said that "one year (2008) that you did not have any money Santa brought her me of presents".  I wanted to tell her no Toys for Tots did that but hey whatever makes her young still.  She also reasoned that no mom or dad would eat all those cookies and I replied well it is a good thing Santa is not lactose intolerant. LOL.  So Santa will again be taking up in form in our house.  Oh yeah the way Santa gets in everyone's house he has a master key.   Why can't I borrow Santa's key when I lock myself out?